The tears rolled down my cheek, burning; but I did not move to wipe them off. Leaving them to remind me, to scar me. The feeling began to well up again; I knew I should stop it, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to.
My hand moved forward to pick up the crumpled photograph. My finger feeling the cracks; hovering over it, images forming in my head: sad images, images filled with hate, filled with love, filled with nothing. Spit formed in my mouth.
I pulled myself to my feet, and looked to the sky. How could something so beautiful, hold so much death? I pondered. The ringing began again. The thunder rolled over the mountains. The wind changed direction. I looked up again into the sky. A rain drop fell onto my face; it became one with the tears. The ringing grew louder. My eyes darted left to right, taking in all I could see. Perhaps these will be my last sights? Perhaps these will be my first sights?
I moved closer. The ringing never ceasing. The picture fell to the ground, and was blown away in the wind; just as my dreams had been blown away. The ringing drowned out my thoughts. My feet moved towards it, my hand reached out, grasped nothing.
I took a breath, the air filling my lungs. Filling me with hope, yet filling me with despair. The ringing was too loud. I moved closer, feet tipping over the edge. The ringing would not stop. It could not stop. Wait, no. I can make it stop, I thought. I looked up to the sky. My fingers touched my heart, tears formed again. “Goodbye” I whispered into the wind.
I moved into the abyss. Ending my life; restarting my life. The ringing ceased.
I see
I look into your azure filled eyes and I see everything I crave in life:
I see acceptance of who I am for what I am;
I see belief, I see the belief you have put into me, I see the need to believe;
I see reasons to carry on with my path;
I see hope, the hope you have in me, the hope I’ve reinstalled in myself;
I see the beginning of something wonderful
Most of all though, I see love, the love I’ve given unconditionally, the love I’ve needed, love returned
I tilt my head to one side, you respond with a movement of your own
I now peer into the gloom and see everything I despise:
I see hatred of what I’ve become;
I see a lack of conviction, in my actions, in my thoughts, in my beliefs;
I see my compass pointing in the wrong direction;
I see a forlorn hope;
I see a mistake;
I see something said, but never meant;
I move my head towards yours, I feel the touch of glass.
Love Lost
I collapsed to the floor, blood cascading from my neck. My life force slowly ebbing from me. My mind becoming clearer, with every drop that escaped. I was finally free to wonder, free to work it all out.
The day it all changed has always been at the forefront of my mind. It was the last day of summer, we had decided to the beach to create a day we would remember, and remember it we did. The sun was slowly setting, illuminating the beach in a golden haze. I turned to her. She turned to me. The light filtered through her hair, lighting up her face into the epitome of beauty. She tilted her head, causing my heart to skip a beat. I knew I had to say something; the moment was too perfect for me to let it slip through my grasp. My mouth opened, throat seized. An inaudible whisper escaped from the Bastille. Her eyes widened and she asked me to say it again.
“I love you,” I croaked just loud enough for her to hear.
“Y-y-you what?” She whispered back, eyes open wide in shock.
“I love you. I love you more than the stars above. When I look at you, I understand why a thousand ships were launched for Helen. I know there has to be a God when I’m with you, something this beautiful, in body, mind, and spirit could not be created by chance. I’ve loved you since the moment you first spoke the word hello to me. I…” I stopped there, looking at her. As I saw her reaction, my heart sank. I knew by saying what I had wanted to say in years, that I had crossed by Rubicon. And looking at her, I knew by doing what I did, I had chosen the wrong crossing, I had gone too far.
“That’s lovely. You’re lovely. But, I’m with him. You know that. And, you know how I feel about him. Which is why nothing can come from this. I hope you find someone that is worthy of you. You deserve to be truly happy with someone. Someone else. I love you. But, I love him more. And it shall stay that way. I’m sorry.”
With that she moved closer and gave me a hug that meant goodbye. Whenever I close my eyes I can still feel her arms, feel her heartbeat. She turned and walked away into now what was darkness. Her body merged with the night, being lost from my sight, being lost from me.
I realise now that I had put her on a mountain too high for anyone else to scale. No one could match her. My soul could not, would not allow that to happen. From then onwards I was a walking shell. I could not be reached by anyone. I knew it must end. I knew I had to get out of it, somehow.
Tears could no longer be produced. The blood flow had ceased. I knew this was the end. Her face filled my head. The last breath escaping from my lungs. The knife fell from my hand.
Forlorn Hope
Death.
People say that is the end. Nothing follows it, no heaven, and no hell. Just darkness. A never ending darkness. But surely, darkness counts as something? For there to be darkness, there has to be light. Where there is light, there is hope. Where there is hope, there is life. Where there is life, there is love. Where there is love, there is heaven.
There is one thing that binds this world together, that is love. Love, is the one true magic, the one holy thing. But there is one love that can ruin, end everything. The forbidden love can tear the world apart, at the sinews of the heart.
The love that can never cease, the love that will never be extinguished; no matter how many people it may hurt, no matter how many people it will destroy. The love which is not returned, but left floating in limbo, ripping your heart and soul into pieces.
The mind boggles at those, that even in this situation, carry on loving, carry on dreaming, carry on hoping. Surely, they know that they can never claim their prize? They will never be able to look into her eyes, and see their love reflected back. Never be able to become one with the one they love. But I guess, this is their forlorn hope, to believe in something, to pray for something, and yet, know they will never get it, never be answered.
Artistry
I pulled down my headphones, and pressed play. Some people say music inspires them; well to me it just drowns out the unnecessary noise. I grunted with appreciation as my knife came down, sinking into the canvas. My hand moving in time with the beat of the music, driving left to right. The colours sprayed over the protective sheet underneath me. A scream blasted through my ears.
Work had been hard lately, I thought to myself. Nobody wanted this type of art any more, they were all too fascinated with “modern” art, well I will show them, I will show them real art, and I will murder that tripe. The beat intensified, the scream grew louder, my hand moved faster.
My first targets to convert to my art will be the critics that put me down, those that ruined me. I will show them, I will make them kneel to my masterpiece, and they will never see such work as beautiful as this, again. The music reached its pinnacle, the scream finishing mid-flow; this was music. My hand circled, before slamming down into the canvas.
I took a step back, and admired the art before me. I had finished, this will show them, and this will make them value me, and my work again. I took the headphones off, the final scream echoed in my ears. I helped the knife up, looked up into the ceiling, muttering a silent prayer, before thudding the knife down onto the body before me, the colours splattered the sheet again.
The greatest artists are nothing before they die; I have to move onto greatness, they have to see my brilliance. My breathing began to slow, a fluid started to fill my mouth. I feel forwards, smashing the mirror that I had been admiring moments before. They will see my brilliance, they will know of me. As I landed on the floor, feeling the knife slice through me, I thought my final, brilliant thoughts; after all, you have to live before you can die, you have to die in order for others to discover, know you.
The Run
As I was running, tears rolled down my cheeks - I just wanted to get away! How could they have found me? After all this, it was her that had given me away. The one person that was meant to be on my side, fighting for me, was the one to betray me.
I looked back, I could hear the dogs. They were nearly upon me. I moved my hand to my cheek, wiping the tears away. The hurt, was slowly being replaced by anger. How could she have done this? I spat my distaste. The anger fuelled me, my pace began to quicken. I had to survive this, not to carry on living, but to get back at her. She would regret this. The dog’s barks began to blur into the distance.
”I love you. I will always love you.” Her voice rang in my ears. My hands rolled into fists; my teeth tightened. “I can never leave you. They wont get you, I wont let them” Why would she give up on me? Why would she turn her back on me? Her face appeared in my mind. It was the last time we had been free; the light broke through the gaps in her hair, forming a halo behind her. She was perfect, she emitted beauty. That was before; before freedom was taken away from us; before they had come to power. My foot got caught in an open root, I tumbled over.
Pain erupted in my foot. My ankle was broken, just like my heart, just like my soul. The dogs came closer. I could hear the patter of their feet, the hunger in their bark. A dark shame loomed over me. It would seem I hadn’t gotten away. Her face; her beautiful; perfect face. The anger swelled. She couldn’t have betrayed me. Her face. She wouldn’t have. The breath loomed in my nose. Her face…
Together, Always
My eyes moved to the map lying on the seat beside me; it was too dark to work out which route I was supposed to take. My knuckles grew whiter, as I gripped the steering wheel in frustration. How was I meant to meet her, if I could not work out where I was meant to go?
I did not know why she had wanted to meet out in the wilderness like this, but I did not care. The only thing I was thinking about was seeing her smile; her beautiful smile. The smile could tear down any Bastille I placed around my heart.
I moved forward in my seat, peering into the darkness. I could see a light hovering in the distance. “That is her. That must be her” I said out loud. My heart began to beat faster; I could feel the blood rushing through my ears. The light began to get closer.
The road began to take a decline. “Why did she want to meet here? I know we had had our rough patches, but I knew we could talk them out. Why meet out here? Where is here?” I thought to myself. The light grew ever closer. I could hear the wheels going through large puddles of water. I suddenly remembered how she said she loved the rain; how being in the rain made her do things she thought she could never bring herself to do. I was almost at the light.
The decline in the road stopped all of a sudden; I felt the car go over a gap of some sorts. Then, the car was falling front first. I looked out of the front screen to see a lantern swaying in the heavy rain, tied to a pole. On the lantern was a picture, I frantically tried to see what it was as the car fell. Lightning cracked across the sky, illuminating the picture. It was the image that had ruined me and her; the image that would stay burned in her eyes forever.
As the car crashed into the sea, the message she sent to me, stating she wanted to speak, set things straight, flashed through my mind; “We’ll be together, whether the weather worsens or not.”
I got told by my better half to write something differently for a change. For once it couldn’t be about someone dying, and the narrator would have to be a “happy go-lucky person”. Well, I tried, sadly the latter part failed, but I always knew it would. It’s probably one of the worst pieces I’ve written, but oh well, have to try everything once.
The Mountain.
My fingers caressed the sand, feeling every grain, touching every stone. The sun beat down on my naked torso, sweat poured off my brow.
I wouldn’t normally choose to come to the beach, but then again, I normally didn’t do things I wanted; I’m what people would call dependable; they’d call me popular as well, but I knew that only stemmed from the fact I was dependable. If someone needed a ride, someone to talk too, someone to go out with, or even someone to get high with, I’d be that person. Yet, today was different, I’d decided to come to the beach; not because I wanted too, but because I knew deep down, someone else wanted too, they were just too scared no-one would show up. They weren’t popular enough. Which I suppose was true. I’ve never understood why people wanted to be popular, why they strived to be on top of the mountain. Once you’ve reached the summit, you realise it’s a lonely place.
Deep in thought I didn’t notice when the shadow loomed over me. Nor did I notice when she sat down next to me.
“What-cha thinking?”She asked. Her sweet melodic voice drawing me back from my thoughts.
“Huh? Oh nothing.” I quickly replied.
“Here, it’s cold.” She said handing me a beer. My hand reached out for the beer, yearning for it’s refreshing touch. In the hastiness of taking the bottle from her, our fingers touched. I placed the drink in my mouth, longing for the silence that would come from it; she took of her glasses and I knew the silence I had hoped for would not be coming.
“I just wanted to say thanks for asking me here. It’s the first time I’ve been asked out in like forever.” She said, and I could feel the gratitude emanating from her.
“Don’t mention it. You used to be my best friend, and I’ve been meaning to see you properly in a year or so. It’s such a shame those fools back there don’t know how much of a great laugh you are.” I said gesturing to the others behind us. As I told her this, I saw the saddest smile form on her face.
“You’re just saying that. They’d never invite someone like me. I’m too low down on the food chain for them to even notice me. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks, I’ll be going now, I don’t want too ruin you’re rep.” She stood up.
“Wait. Ruin my rep? Do you really think I’m like them?” Again gesturing behind.
“No, yes, I don’t know. All I know is you’re cool now, and you fit in with them; I’m most certainly not cool and nor do I fit in here. So, I’ll be seeing you around.” She turned round and walked off the beach and out of my life.
The mountain can be a lonely place.
As I stood up to rejoin the others, I noticed she’d left her glasses on the sand. When I bent down to pick them up, I saw my reflection in them. I froze staring at myself, wondering when I changed from an outsider, to head of the pack. I shook my head, and walked over to my pride.
As the sun began to descend, the beers began to flow. Again I moved away from the others, and sat down staring into the ocean. This time I was aware of when someone was coming over to intrude on my solitude.
“Alright Dylan?” I called out, as he stumbled towards me.
“Yeah man, it’s all good. So, you got an answer for me?” He slurred.
“For what?” I wasn’t sure whether I was meant to have an answer for something, or whether in his drunken haze he imagined that he had asked me something.
“Aye, an answer. So who do you like? And don’t say that there isn’t anyone, as there always is.” He said perfectly. Perhaps it was me that was drunk.
“Well, I’m afraid this time there isn’t anyone.” I replied.
My fingers caressed the glasses.
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